What hope for England now?

I am just talking about the World Cup and the terrible performance of our soccer team on Friday. But the various people who have mentioned it over the weekend, from a an elderly man of seventy to a boy of 10 are gloomy and depressed. ‘You don’t have to be interested in football to know that our team is depressed, and lacking in any sense of enthusiasm and creativity’ said one woman. That seems to be the general consensus and whether it is true or not,, what interests me is the impact of the belief on the mood of the people I meet.

Winston Churchill , himself depressed for much of his life was able to inspire the nation to amazing heights of endurance and self sacrifice. David Cameron has only to get us to work hard and to be creative and ingenious as the British always have been. Nevertheless, the poor performance of those who represent the country seems to have a negative impact on all of us. Idealisation of heroes, whether they are singers, physicists or football players is only a continuation of the idealisation that we all feel towards parents if we are lucky. Part of the process of adolescence is giving up this idealisation and transferring it to pop stars of football players.

Why do we need to idealise? It seems to be a useful process on the whole in that we are able to imitate behaviour that we approve and we can emulate very high levels of performance. One of the tasks of education and of parents is to try to help adolescents to idealise figures that are worthy of admiration and are not evil. Our football players seem to be ordinary young men who are put under some strain by the immense sums that they earn and the adulation of the public. They do not seem to be evil and our young people will probably not come to any harm through trying to be like them. One of the processes that go on in analytic therapy is an examination of the ideals, both in terms of people and ideas. Idealisation of greed or ruthlessness will have to be examined in relation to the morals and ethics that each person wishes to maintain. As a result of an overhaul, psychotherapy will give each person an opportunity to refine and develop idealisation so that it is useful and positive and leads to greater achievement in the future.

Murders in Cumbria: murder in mind

Photo from the Guardian

Everyone, including the police is asking ‘Why?’ The Sunday papers worked very hard to tell us what the grudges against most of the people were. This does not seem to satisfy our need to gain some sort of mental control over this most wild and terrible form of human behaviour. The relatives of the dead and injured people want to know why this was done and also they want to know that Derrick Bird understands the harm that he has done and is made to feel it. The fact that he is dead is a great problem in that they can never hear anything from him.

Would they have heard anything if he was still alive? It is very unlikely. He was holding on to enormous anger arising from envy and jealousy. He evidently did not show it and people thought he was an ‘ordinary nice man’. What we learn from this is the power of those feelings and the way they can burst out if not expressed in a safe enough way. Our society does not approve of shouting and argument. Few families have the Mediterranean habit of loud arguments followed by loving and making up. Derrick Bird could not tell his parents or his brother how angry he was at the apparent favouritism. He could not speak to his family about his intimate and troubling thoughts.

We can’t help our native reserve but we can decide to make some changes and to speak rather than harbour silent and damaging resentment. Therapists can help people to speak their minds but to do so in a thoughtful and least damaging way. It is probably impossible to express anger without hurting someone but the hurt can be managed and mutual respect can be maintained.

How’s your Marathon going?

On April 25th I went to Blackheath as usual to meet the generous people who run the London Marathon and raise money for the clients of WPF Therapy. Every year at 8 AM we meet, take photographs and thank hem in the hilly early morning while the amazing streams of thousands make their way to the various starting points. There is tension, anxiety and hope. Some hope to beat their own personal times; some are running for the first time and just hope they can finish. Some know they have injuries or weaknesses and hope they will not be in too much pain to keep going. All are stretching and preparing their bodies and also have a concentrated part of themselves where they are going to find the strength ands the courage to keep going.

Later I go the 30 kilometre mark to watch and cheer. Like most spectators I find a bit of railing to lean on and settle down to wait for one of our t shirts to appear on the horizon so that we can shout and whistle and let them know that we are there. Standing there for 3 or 4 hours, you see the amazing focus of the professionals who know they can do it. It’s just a matter of whether they c an be in the first 3 or the first ten to finish.

Then there are the comedy items although fewer this year I thought, but there was a woman in full evening dress and several Roman legionaries yomping along at a good pace. I saw at least three Wombles. Other runners suffer for their cause like 3 or 4 rhinoceroses running in full rhino head gear to save the rhino.

By about 2 pm. at 30 km people are very tired. You shout encouragement by name if you can but you can see the effort to put one foot in front of another. Most are walking by this time and you start to worry about whether they can finish or whether they ought to go on considering the damage that they might to legs or knees.

As in my work as a psychotherapist, all I can do is watch, encourage, agonise with them but ultimately, the race is for them. They will have the satisgfaxction of whatever they can achieve whether it’s the whole distance or the best that they can manage. As in my work,, I am filled with admiration for the glorious, foolish, heroic tenacity of human beings who will not give up but push on through pain and exhaustion. So go for it all of you , and from a mere spectator, thank you.

Volcanic Ash

photo from Reuters

We’re told it’s up there but we can’t see it. The ash from the Icelandic volcano has grounded all aircraft that have to fly in the stratosphere. Sooner or later it will fall to the ground and may cause health problems. We look up with anxiety or curiosity but all we see is blue sky.

Psychotherapists are used to working with dangers that we cannot see. The unconscious presents us with evidence of its presence because we can see its effect on other phenomena. I heard last week about a deeply depressed man whom I will call Jeff was working for a firm of accountants. No, he had not lost his job but he was constantly worried that he would lose it. He was competent, well qualified and efficient. His colleagues and his boss were pleased with his performance. So why could he not believe that he could do his job? In therapy he realised that he was trying not to outdo his father who had killed himself when his business failed. Jeff was only 12 at the time but he knew what effect the suicide had on his family, especially his mother. Consciously he was angry with his father, but he had buried the knowledge that he also loved his father and did not want to shame him further by being successful where his father had failed. This had continued even after his father had died. This invisible cloud had covered the sky for Jeff and exerted an unseen influence over his life. Only when he knew about it was he able to recognise his danger and fly under or over his cloud of ash left from the old volcanic eruption of feeling.

Mothers : who needs them?

We all do of course, or did. The human infant cannot survive without a primary carer. During the twentieth century mothers were given a place of importance in the psychological development of the human child as well as in its physical survival. This balanced the importance which fathers had always been given and of course should rightly have. The corollary is that mothers will be blamed when things go wrong. A mother who is absent or who is emotionally absent through preoccupation with her own concerns , maybe her work, maybe her social life, maybe drinking or drug taking, , will leave a child with a struggle to make relationships and to feel worthwhile enough to have self respect. Without enough self respect, an adult has difficulty in working as well as in loving another person. Mothers can do just well enough to make this happen or can fall below the line of what is enough. Sadly, we cannot define what is enough in all cases and many children seem to manage with what looks from the outside like the minimum.

What happens when the mother is not good enough? Jon Venables is in the news at the moment because with Robert Thompson he killed a small child. Why did he do that? The press is full of commentary about whether there is such a thing as pure evil. Psychoanalysis would not find it difficult to understand that that there might be many ways in which a child could become used to violence. He has a point. Venables and Thompson came from what we now think of as underclass backgrounds. Venables’s mother was depressed and violent; he had two siblings with special needs and an absent father. Before he killed James Bulger, Venables had exhibited disturbed behaviour at school; in one incident he had started throttling a boy in his class — so hard that it took two teachers to separate them. Thompson and Venables regularly bunked off, mooching around and nicking things.
Perhaps the child who has experienced the kind of mothering that Venablkles had envies a child who might have a good mother and wants to hurt him? This would be a very extreme example of the destructive power of envy but there is little doubt that envy can do great damage.
Most mothers manage to be good enough for their children and most adults are not as destructive as that. But we might all find a bit of that in ourselves if we are willing to look.
So let’s thank mothers for all that they have done for us. Give them some flowers and let’s recofnisne their importance to each of us individually and to the society in which we live.

The Times March 7 Eleanor Mills

Mothers : Who needs them?

Well, we all do. Moost people are lucky enough to have a mother who has loved and cared for them even if, as Philip Larkin so memorably put it ‘they fuck you up’

Bullies

We hear this weekend that Gordon Brown shouts at his employees and some are frightened of his anger. While I fully deprecate shouting at people who happen to be in your way when you are angry, I also wonder what would happen to him if he did not let out his tension in this way. The anxiety and stress of being Prime Minister with two wars going on and an economic recession, record unemployment and an impending election is unimaginable.

If people have complained , they obviously don’t like the way that they are being treated and in the case of junior officials, maybe they could go elsewhere? If they choose to stay, their consolation will have to be that they are performing a service for someone who is carrying a huge burden. Some people have immense self control ; Margaret Thatcher was able to keep going during the Falklands War and even though she apparently had very little sleep at any time and she might have lost her temper but we did not hear of complaints from her staff. She has a different temperament, a different upbringing and is perhaps more stoical.

What can Gordon Brown do about it? The obvious answer would be to take an Anger Management course which can help to control the symptoms. He also needs someone in the role of Father Confessor which kings and princes used to have in the form of their personal chaplain. For a Prime Minister a psychotherapist would be ethically clear about confidentiality and would be able to hear his anxieties and concerns without betraying them. Talking about what makes you angry does not change it in the immediate moment in which you might shout or threaten but it eases the build up of tension which has been described as ‘volcanic’. Letting it out in a safe and controlled way also enables a person to think about what they are saying and that in itself can be the beginning of change.

Terry John

What has he done? He has been unfaithful to his wife and children and has risked the breakup of his family. The tabloids are inviting a national outburst of righteous indignation. He is a football hero and as such has a responsibility to the nation’s youth. Young people tend to imitate those they admire and will therefore be corrupted by his example. This is the argument. I have some sympathy with it but it also takes away responsibility from all the ordinary Dads. True, he was elected ‘Dad of the year’ by some process of Daddy’s Sauce ; a process which I completely missed and I therefore consider myself to have disenfranchised from it. How many people voted? Who were the other candidates? The point seems to be that he accepted the title, however he got it and should then have behaved like a Dad. Or at least a good enough Dad.

The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott invented the idea of the ‘good enough mother’. She doesn’t have to be perfect. In fact her children will learn through dealing with her failings, but she must fail gradually and in a way that they can tolerate. Winnicott never got as far as the ‘good enough father’. Nevertheless, the nation seems to know what it means. What does he do? He plays football (with his kids) ; he does not get drunk or hooked on hard drugs. He loves and is faithful to his wife. This last one is in question. How many of the nation’s families regard faithfulness in marriage or in any relationship as important any more? I would be interested in a poll. I have seen a great deal of the distress caused by extra-marital affairs so I do not condone the lack of self restraint that Terry has shown, and yet I also think that there is a great deal of hypocrisy in the tabloid reaction.

We need to think much more about fatherhood and what it entails. We can celebrate the millions of ‘good enough fathers’ that we all see and we need to have some sort of ideal as well as an idea of what is just good enough. One thing that I would put in my picture of the good enough father would be the willingness to say that he has made a mistake and will do his best to repair it. Perhaps psychotherapy would help but it cannot help the man who is not willing to admit that he could use some help. The whole image of masculinity is in disarray and men most certainly do need to sort out who they are and above all, who they want to be. Psychotherapists have a job to do here but first they need to convince men that this is hard but worthwhile work from which they can emerge both stronger and more confident in their place as men and as fathers.

Can we blame them?

Photo from the Guardian newspaper

I have heard a great deal of sympathy for the victims of the Haiti earthquake. How could anyone not be moved by the pictures and stories that we are sent so effectively? What is more unusual is the thought that I heard one person voice: surely they knew they were living in an earthquake zone? Why did they stay there? Although this may show a breathtaking ignorance of the difficulties presented by poverty and family in moving to another place, it nevertheless gives expression to something that may be going on beneath the surface.
We feel lucky to live in Britain where earthquakes are relatively small and rare. If we are lucky, how can we justify what we have, compared with those who can now be

seen to be so unfortunate. The solution might be to think that perhaps it is not all just luck. People who stay in places that are at risk must be taking a risk. If so, then we can blame them and feel better.

I am not suggesting that many, if any people are consciously thinking this, but it is a process that I know well and I would expect something like this to be brought in to protect us from the weight of survivor guilt and self blame. I know that I am not very deserving so I prefer to think that others are in some way less deserving. I will need to examine these feelings more closely and analyse the need for them. In the meantime, I will try to repair my guilt about being so much more fortunate than those with dead or missing loved ones, no clean water and nowhere to live by giving something to the relief effort.

So I am thankful for guilt and the consequent need to make reparation. Over time, the deeper thoughts and feelings can be more carefully examined and even the most reprehensible reactions can be acknowledged and then changed.

The Big Freeze

People were seen coming our of a village shop in Benson which had the lowest temperature recorded in our big freeze, with three loaves and several cartons of milk. Now the shop is empty. They were ‘stocking their freezers’ We are programmed to store up food for the lean times. Animals put on fat for the winter so that they can live off their reserves. We can read complicated discussions of dieting that explain to us how starving yourself leads the body to go into storage mode and divert energy into fat. So no wonder that something that looks like an emergency: snow and ice and stories of people stuck in cars and trains for long periods sends us all into preparing for winter mode.

This would be fine if it weren’t for the danger of depriving the less able, the less active and the less well off. People in the village of Benson may have come to the shop later and found nothing. This is the problem of altruism. Can we risk being generous when it is not for our own family or friends or anyone we know personally? Why would an individual do that? A more fruitful question might be :Why would an individual be afraid to do that? Optimism and hope are often in short supply and they are hard to acquire if your upbringing has taught you that not much good will come your way.

Psychoanalysis teaches us that we might be generous of not, although we will always incline towards our own safety and preservation. The important point is to understand our motivation. Some of my suspicion and lack of hope might be coming from the past and could be left behind in the present. Psychotherapy will enable each person to examine their own motives and then choose the path that is really wanted and needed in the present rather than simply trekking down the old path with our eyes shut.

Perhaps we are all capable of seeing both that the snow is beautiful and a huge problem. It is not just one or the other. In the same way, I need to make sure that I can stay alive and I also want to consider my neighbour’s needs. The two sets of feelings can co-exist.

New Year New You

Over the New Year period, the media seem to assume that we will all be making new resolutions and then failing to keep them. I expect many people do that of course but I am aware of an increasing cynicism about the possibility of making and much more of keeping to proposed changes. Our very fit gym manager looks round the crowded pool and queue for the treadmills and says, ‘don’t worry it ill all be back to normal in a few weeks. They wont stay.’ I have to admit to some smugness then. I don’t go more than twice a week but I do go fairly regularly through the year and did not feel the need to make any change to my gym going behaviour.

The whole process has happened every year for as long as I have been going to the gym though and I do recognise the eager enthusiasm which does not last. Why does it not and why do I find it possible to trudge on week after week? Of course everyone is different and everyone will have a different reason for stopping. What I think we might have in common is the power of the unconscious mind to control the conscious decision-making process. The person who resolves to go the gym after a season of indulgence is seeking to resolve some guilt over self indulgence and something which is perceived to be demanding and difficult will be felt to help that process . the unconscious wish to make amends will support the initial visits. What goes wrong is the contradictory resentment of this motive. Without being consciously aware of it, the individual may be saying to himself, ‘I have suffered this three times and that’s enough. I have paid the price. Now I can stop.’

What can anyone to do help himself with this? Psychodynamic theory says that the only hope is to make both sets of wishes conscious and then to reflect on what you really want and why you want it. You can put your thinking mind in charge of your choices by acknowledging that there is a part of your mind that will seek to sabotage your own good by all sorts of unworthy feelings of envy, resentment and bitterness (why should I? I didn’t eat as much s X and she isn’t going to the gym’). You will not want to let yourself know about all these feelings and your mind will helpfully hide them from you. At least it’s helpful in that it feels better at the time but it deprives you of choice.

So making a conscious New Year’s resolution is only part of the story. If you want it to work you will have to dig deeper and get at the dynamics of your mind. Then you can really choose a course for yourself. And follow it.